frusteration...

ok...so i haven't written in this in like..2 years. and i really never had planned to write in a blog (well at least this one) again...especially this one since no one reads it. but i need to write my thoughts down somewhere...and putting them out on the internet where they can be read...it just gives me relief somehow..i guess it does for all blog writers.

well anyways...write now i'm in the middle of my senior year. i am really dying inside...i just need to get out of here...start fresh...start over...start NEW...and start free. yeah i know, it won't be totally different...that is college and high school. but i just need to get out of the small town atmosphere...where i need to continuously prove myself. i want to succeed and everything in college...but i think there will be a little bit less pressure...of course not much...but a little. right now my parents are driving me insane..particularly my mom for some reason. this isn't normal...normally its my dad...of course i don't talk a lot to him anyways...but my mom is freaking out about every little thing about college...scholarships, deadlines, acceptance letters, financial aid...its just soooo anoying. she comes home with stories about how colleagues sons/daughters are asking her if i have heard back from any...and shes like no...and thats how its supposed to be...and she knows that...but its like she constantly has to let me know about it. deep down, i am dying to know where i'm going to school. i hate the question right now, do you know where you're going?? no i do not...i haven't heard back from any because they're all bigger schools who do not let ANYBODY know until feb. march or april. it is not that i'm not getting in to any, its just the way its happening. but yes i do want to know...but i put it in the back of my head so i don't have to think about it. i have sooo much other stuff thats going on (not that i get any credit from my parents most of the time for doing...my mom seriously told me tonight: we (her and and my dad) have so much to do while you have nothing to do....this while she was reading the paper and i was doing homework (IRONIC!!??). but yeah i have so much other things that needs to be done and i'm so overloaded right now that i feel like i'm going to burst. i really wanted to scream at my mom tonight...which i don't do...and i get mad at her for thinking i do nothing...but how can i not get mad...i need to defend myself...especially when i'm so overloaded right now...and she says i have NOTHING to do...i mean seriously??!!
school is just so pathetic right now. i hate english...and i'm taking college english courses which is probably pointless for me. yeah its teaching me stuff...but i just HATE english. we have to beat to death one single book for a month. i mean seriously, is that learning anything?? it just teaches me to hate it more. and i guess i like calculus and college chem...but i'm bored with it...like i'm so ready to get out of high school and into college because i NEED to take more advanced courses...high school just seems so immature to me right now that i'm dying when i'm there too.
i guess i have 2 escapes: friends and SO...my friends are great and i will miss them...although i am kinda ready to make some new ones...i hate to say that cuz i'm bad at making new friends...but i just need a fresh crowd. but of course i'll keep in close contact with my old ones. and then SO just lets me study what i love to study...it gives me so much other stress and stuff to do, but i just love it...and i feel happy, relaxed, and almost at home when i'm at school studying college level stuff.....i know, pathetic, right?? but yeah...i just needed to get this all out of my head...i don't have anybody to decompress too...maybe i should get a shrink?? haha, no, but this helped...sorta...maybe i'll be writing more on here....well i think thats enough..nite!!
oh and congrats to obama...he's gonna rock...and i'm so excited to be able to watch it unfold (although it would've been awesome to be in washington today...new goal: attend his second inauguration!!)

school is over!!!

well, finally, school is over...well it actually ended last tuesday, but w/e. of course i had 4 regents this year, and 3 right in a row this week, so that sucked, and i just have 1 more this wed. but it's an easy 1 so i think i'll do fine. uhh, it def. feels good tho, to finally say school is over. of course this year was kinda weird for being over...the seniors this year...i know a ton of them and so it'll be weird without them next year. but next year i will finally be an upperclassman!!! that'll be awesome, and next year should be lots of fun. this summer should be too. i have to work, which kind of stinks, but thats only during the weekdays, andi kinda get to choose my hours and how long i wanna work...so i still have my nights and weekends and stuff free. hmmm wut else. i thought i had a lot to say but i guess i didn't. just i'm glad summer is finally here...the freedom to sleep in, stay up and not have to worry about h/w, papers, and tests coming up the next day. yay!!!

may

well, once again, the year is like over. i think i have like 16 days of school left. i'm very ready for school to be over...i have worked my but off this year. this week i'm like falling asleep during 1st period...how pathetic. but yeah, i'm def. in need of a break. just i'll be working this summer...i'm still not sure where yet, right now i'm thinking someplace in the beach bussing tables or something along those lines...but like i said, i'm still unsure. ugh its humid out right now; of course there is rain coming...and then the hotness is going away....which i guess i can handle for a while.
so what is new...hmm....well our band trip was last fri...i left my house at 3AM fri. and got home at 3AM sat...how fun!!! i'm still exhausted from that...a week later. but i was fun, we went to pittsburgh for a competition and then went to kenneywood...an amusement park around there.
but not much else is happening...just kinda sick of school...keep reading.

life

well, i haven't wrote in here in a while, and i think i have a lot to say...at least if i remember it all. lets see...first, i am getting sick of people...just like a lot of random people and society in general. the news lately is making me mad. at least what the news is reporting about people. wed. there was this cop that was killed, big news story and stuff, and they automatically thought it was the gunman that killed him. well, no, the gunman shot him, but into the bullet proof vest, and not fatally. he was killed by a bullet from friendly fire, some other state trooper shot him on accident, which we found out today. and i'm not saying the shooter did anything right(he's dead now) but we are so quick to judge lately, and we automatically think it is his fault. and like the v. tech shootings, everyone is thinking gun control is the problem and stuff, but i wanna tell americans, gun control will do absolutly nothing. laws only work for law abiding citizens, and trust me, there is not many of those. so that wouldn't have done anything, and the president and police did nothing wrong.
then theres my newspaper for the school, i'm editor, and i'm like sick of it right now. theres 2 advisors for it, which they don't talk much about it, and both have totally different ideas and i'm listening to both of them pretty much complain, and i just feel like quitting because i'm sick of it. i don't know, i'm just overall sick of that program right now and wanna b able to come and go as i please and not have to be the editor. only 2 more years of this crap...yay!!
speaking of 2 years, 2 years left for me!! only a month left of school(then 4 regents, shoot me now) and then i'll be actually considered an upperclassmen. it feels so weird getting older and thinking about the future and stuff. and like we're all getting permits and everything, and its just like really hitting me now that i'll be gone in 2 years. of course lately i can't wait for it, i'm like sick of living with my parents with them asking me stupid stuff and making me do stuff and whatnot. its not like i hate um, but like 1 night, it was 9, and my mom told me i had to go to bed...i'm like 1 sec...so i stayed on the comp. till 930 and she comes out and yells at me cuz i didn't go to bed. but its not like i go to bed anyways, i just watch tv in my room till like 1030, 11. so i don't c how watching tv or talking on the comp. is any different. but just things like that i'm getting sick of, and having like stupid rules and what not. i can live with the ones that make sense and stuff, but the stupid 1's like getting of the comp. at 9, what happens after 9??
but anyways, i'm just like ready to get out. right now i'd loveee to go to syracuse, but of course that'll never happen...not right now at least. my dad lost his job like 3 yrs. ago and now he is in this electrical company business thing, which i still don't call his job. most of the time he is here when i leave and come back, and a lot of the times lately he hasn't been going at all...no work. and its really just his friend helping him out. but like money isn't really a problem, its just theres like not much extra as there was before. and i kinda am mad at him for this cuz i'm like get a real job, theres plenty of stuff out there, and i mean he's always looking and stuff, but never does anything beyond that. and i'm just like mad at him for it and stuff. like my parents will help me out some w/ college, and i think i had a better chance of going to syracuse before this all happened and stuff, but now i feel like its just a hopeless dream, and i'll be going to a suny school. and those are good and everything, but idk, i think to be a doctor and get into med school, the college name def. helps. and like all my other friends ahead of me have like huge dreams, 2 wanna go to harvard, 1 at mit, and 1 to crane. i don't kno, i'd just love to go to a private school over a suny, but whatever.
hmm, can't think of much else right now...just felt like rambling on about everything...not like anyone will read it, but whatever.

april already!!!

well, it's april 1 today...pretty hard to believe for me. march wasn't that bad this year...normally its the month that takes forever and ever cuz theres no breaks and only 1 day off(which we never got cuz we needed a snow day just in case). but somehow it seemed to just go by pretty fast. probably cuz the 1st 2 weeks or so i was cramming for SO, but after that i really didn't do much with it...lol. i think april might go by slow...at least the end. break is in a week...starts friday, which is pretty early...normally its a week later. so it doesn't really split the month up, it just comes and then we have like 2 or 3 weeks left of april...which will kinda be a bummer...but o well. we're going to myrtle beach...which will be awesome...except its supposed to get a lot cooler here starting thurs...and that means cooler there. i want like 80 degree weather. actually i don't want it as much as normal by this time of the year...winter was really short, only 2 months really. except i hate this time of year...march and april. the snow is melting, and then it gets to the sandy part of the snow and all the snow is brown...and then we get dirt piles all over our yard. and its just a complete mess. all the roads driveways and sidewalks r like it too. and this year, having so much snow, the snow has been melting for about 4 weeks and yet we still have it on the ground. we do see green...its about 25:75%. but we still have all the huge piles to melt. stupid 12 ft. snowstorms...lol.
hmmm wut else to say. the school year is going to be done fast. we only have like 45 class days left before regents week(dreading very much) and really only 2 months left. june i think we go for a week and then r done, and april is practically half over(4 days this week then done for a while). so yeah, i'm kinda looking forward to the summer, but then i'm not. my parents are making me work, and im gonna have to work 5 days a week, and around the hours of 7-5 each day. i should be getting min. wage(7.15 i think in new york) so that'll be good, but still i just don't wanna work. i'm applying for this thing that'll be at SU and suny upstate and at the hospital which i think will be fun. i get to stay a week at the syracuse campus which would be awesome so hopefully i can get into that. and i can finally get my permit in july!! i can't wait for that, all my friends already have their permits or whatever, so i def. can't wait. but yeah, summer should fly by too and then 11th grade!!! whoo. that'll be fun, PSAT's, SAT's and college searching. i shouldn't mind um that much tho...specially college searching, that i think will be pretty fun. some days i def. cannot wait till i can leave and go to college...i've been getting sick of my family...lol. but as i did last year at this same time...i'm getting down to 2 years...amazing and exciting...lol. so till next time....

hmmmm

well, to start off, WE GOT 12TH AT STATES FOR S.O.!! very good for us...the last highest place we got there was 18th, so we did awesome this year. i had a really good time and it was really fun. got very little sleep, but o well...lol. west point is amazing, everything seems so perfect there. all the buildings are like huge and they're made out of rock and everything...its a really great sight to see. it was def. an awesome trip, and all the work certainly paid off!!
well now that i got that out of me, lol, not much else is new...of course.(i seem to always say that). i had yesterday FREE!! a first since like august. it was weird not having to go to school(i almost did but something got cancelled). so sleeping in and doing nothing all day was nice. then i got to hang out with my friends last nite, which was also fun.
march is def. flying by fast. i can't believe in 3 weeks i'll be on vacation. i def. could use it, since the last 2 months i had little school(1 m.p. we had 21 school days in, and then another 1 was 24...pathetic and really fast). so now i'm really tired since i've been very busy. and we're going to myrtle beach, so it'll b nice to get rid of winter for a week(we still have about 2 ft of snow, and we can finally see the road pulling out of the driveway!!!). and of course since it is march, the yr. is now really going by fast. but the whole year has been like this, i really can't believe its almost april. and half my may will be pretty busy, a band trip to pittsburgh, then nyssma, and of course my most favorite.....STUDYING FOR 4 REGENTS!!!WHOO HOO. that will really suck...the most i've had at 1 time was 1...and this year i get slammed...and of course french, global, math b, and chemistry....certainly not easy ones...lol.
well on that note, i'm going to go!!

spill your guts

yeah, i'm in like a spill your guts kind of mood right now. i dunno why tho. but yeah, so vacation is over. really, i've been on a 3 week break. first 2 weeks were full of snow days, i think i went to school 4 days in 2 weeks(they were supposed to be full weeks too) and then i just had actual break. so yeah, it's been pretty nice. i don't really wanna go back to school tho...pathetic right...lol. i'm just tired after last week. i have had SO 4 days last week, so it doesn't feel like i wasn't at school...cuz i was. we've been studying and fixing everything for states at west point which r in 2 weeks. its kinda nerve wracking, but i'm really excited at the same time. it'll be lots of fun, but all my tests will be mega hard. its sad tho, i got my test grades back and one of them was a 70%...but we got 3rd place at regionals. thats how hard the tests are, you can do bad but still do good cuz its that hard. but yeah, its fun. it'll def. be weird when its over...i'll actually have sat. free again and nothing that i should be studying or anything...as we say, we will have a life!!lol. but its fun and stuff so i don't complain that much.
i guess not much else is going on. i'm in a spill your guts mood, but i dont' really have any guts to spill...lol. ummm, theres nothing really new. i decided that i'm not gonna bother with this girl i like. i've liked her since like nov. but nothing has really happened. and i don't really do anything about it, just cuz it would seem really really weird, yet i'm not sure why. but i decided just to not bother and move on. of course i have no clue who to move on to, theres no one else here...lol. but yeah
i just realized i say but yeah a lot in these things. kinda how i say lol a lot in my convos with people online. just one of those crazy quirks...but yeah, i just had to say it again...lol.
well nothing else is new...of course. i've just got the same ol boring life...haha. i guess keep reading!!